


For The Record

by choimineul



Category: NU'EST, Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Post-Break Up, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 07:30:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18655807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choimineul/pseuds/choimineul
Summary: He had NU'EST's concert ticket in one hand, his phone on the other. He knew that he had less than fifteen minutes to make a decision, and that his manager was on standby. Just one text message away. He could be zipping out of his dorm, headed to the concert venue in ten minutes tops if he only had the courage to press "Send".Hyung, I'm going. Please send the driver.a.k.a. Kim Jaehwan in the evening of April 12, Day 1 of NU'EST's concert "Segno"





	For The Record

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emperorjjaeni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emperorjjaeni/gifts).



> _"For the record, this is not me leaving. It's you pushing me away."_  
>  \- How To Be Single, 2016

Jaehwan knew it would come to this. So did Minhyun.

In fact, all eleven of them did.

But the group resolved early on that they wouldn't be weighed down and slowed down by this impending doom. They will work their asses off.

And work their asses off, they did. Limbs aching from practice, skipping meals, eating fastfood in the car on the way to their next schedule, taking quick naps in the waiting room. But it wasn't until they were working on their last album—their "first full album" as they liked to call it—did they all realize that in the past sixteen months, none of them really ever had the chance to emotionally prepare and condition themselves for the separation.

Especially not Minhyun & Jaehwan whose fates were intertwined so tightly and so intricately, forming a bond beyond that of friendship & brotherhood. (Not) the (only) two who had found their homes in each other. In the midst of all the glitz & glam, they found in each other a safe space, a sanctuary that reminded them to stay grounded; a confidante, a lover, a slice of realness that the industry was in a shortage of.

But here was Jaehwan now, not yet fully-recovered from the two hardest goodbyes of his life: with Wannables. His source of joy and strength and motivation. And with Minhyun. The one who saw him when he was invisible. The one in whose eyes he thought he saw forever once. The one he wasn't meant to keep.

He had NU'EST's concert ticket in one hand, his phone on the other. He knew that he had less than fifteen minutes to make a decision, and that his manager was on standby. Just one text message away. He could be zipping out of his dorm, headed to the concert venue in ten minutes tops if he only had the courage to press "Send".

_Hyung, I'm going. Please send the driver._

But could he really sit there among the sea of fans, face covered with a mask, head covered with a cap and a hoodie, heart wrapped tightly in sorrow & regret; and watch his Minhyun hyung do the one thing Jaehwan knew the older has been waiting to do for years—stand proud as a NU'EST member, receiving the amount of love and support that many idol groups could only dream about—and be really, truly happy for him? A hundred percent?

Could he do it? Could he listen to Minhyun sing, and accept the fact that the older wasn't singing for him and with him anymore? When Minhyun's last words were still resonating inside his head?

_"For the record, this is not me leaving. It's you pushing me away."_

It wasn't a false accusation. When Jaehwan asked to meet up with Minhyun in the guise of a catch-up date, all he really had to give his boyfriend was a monotonous, "Hyung, I've been doing a lot of thinking—"

"Don't tell me..." Minhyun trailed off, a muscle in his jaw twitching. "Don't you dare go there, Kim Jaehwan," he pleaded, snatching the younger's hand across the table and holding it tightly between his two hands. "Don't do this, please, baby."

Jaehwan should have known better than to think that this was going to be easy.

It only took one glance at Minhyun's face crumpled in distress and Jaehwan was already second-guessing himself. But all he could ever say in reply was, "I'm sorry." Again and again. Each time louder than the previous one, while Minhyun's grip on his hand was gaining strength, too. _As if_ the frequency of Jaehwan's apology could lessen the pain that he was inflicting to both of them with every attempt to pull his hand from Minhyun's. Each one symbolic of a plea to not make it harder for the both of them.

And Jaehwan could recall the exact moment defeat swallowed every strand of hope that he knew Minhyun was trying so hard to cling onto. The older's shoulders fell and his grip loosened; the fire in his eyes extinguished, replaced by a hollow look that Jaehwan knew would haunt him in his dreams.

"I promised myself I would do everything that will make you happy so if this is it..." Minhyun said softly, lifting Jaehwan's hand to his face. He placed a soft kiss on the younger's knuckles before he laid Jaehwan's palm in his own cheek, unashamed of his own tears. "I'm going to walk out of here, Jaehwan-ah. Like you asked. Like you wanted. If that's what will make you happy. I'll do it for you. But..."

And Jaehwan hung his head, shielding his face from the view that wielded the power to change his mind.

"For the record, this is not me leaving. It's you pushing me away."

And Minhyun slid back Jaehwan's hand towards the younger who then balled his hands into fists on his lap, fingernails digging onto his palms. He wished the physical pain would distract him from the emotional pain. His heart tightened inside his chest, tearing apart at the seams from how far Minhyun's words were from reality. He wished he could tell him the truth. He wished they didn't have to do this.

And after he was down to the last remaining "I'm so sorry, hyung," that he had, Jaehwan could still vividly remember watching Minhyun's retreating form getting smaller as the distance (in both senses) between them grew bigger and wider. His vision was blurred by all the tears he refused to shed. He's done enough crying in their last concert. He was going to be strong. Like his now ex-boyfriend. He wasn't going to cry a river. This would be a painless goodbye.

It was the least he could give to both themselves. A parting gift. A reassurance that, at least, _if_ Minhyun would be reminded of him, he will not be burdened by the image of Jaehwan's tear-streaked face.

No, Jaehwan wasn't going to ask him to come back. He wouldn't. He thought he shouldn't. He has made his decision and he will stick to it. But he will need time—lots of it—to accept it and be at peace with it.

Jaehwan pressed down on the backspace until the text box on the screen was blank. He was not sending anyone a message tonight. Not his manager to ask for a driver to bring him to the concert venue. Not even Minhyun to congratulate him.

And sure enough, he felt the tell-tale stinging sensation at the back of his eyes. He took a deep breath. And another one. Dammit. Another long inhale of oxygen. Blink the tears away. It's going to be okay. He was going to be okay. He'll be happy again soon.

He tossed his cellphone on the couch beside him and stood up to fetch his skateboard. He hoped the cool evening breeze could blow away each and every one of his memories. Even the good ones. He neither needs or wants  _anything_ to slow down this painful, tearful process of forgetting.

_"It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I'll learn to be happy again."  Repeat to self until convinced._

And three hours later, when he was certain the concert was over and when the pain in his legs had began to take away his focus from the pain in his chest, Jaehwan looked up at the night sky. 

But it wasn't one of those sentimental, hopeful gaze-up-at-the-stars scene you usually see in movies where the main character is filled with the optimism that things are going to turn out fine. That Someone up there was in control, and maybe had the heart to cause things to start looking up.

_No._

As Jaehwan took in the dome of darkness dotted with stars that seemed to be dimmer and duller than he remembered, his mind was stuck asking:

_"What about him? Will he be okay? Has he learned how to be happy again? A hundred percent?"_

He wondered whether he even had the right to know the answer to these questions or not. After all, it was him who let selfishness rule him into making the hasty decision to tap out.

Everyone knows that only cowards are unwilling to fight for a relationship, resorting instead to using circumstances as an excuse to raise the white flag. God, Hwang Minhyun really does not deserve someone like him.

Where he used to ask how to make their secret relationship work, Jaehwan was now asking how he could live with himself. Without Minhyun. With these regrets.

Too bad some things cannot be undone... can they?

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't think I would ever write a fic that doesn't have a happy ending but Jaehwan singing Shin Seunghoon's "I Believe" in Immortal Song really was the last straw for me. Him not attending Segno + the meaning of "I Believe" + his voice breaking at the last part gave birth to... well, THIS.
> 
> emperorjjaeni was the first one to read my draft for this. it came about when we were reeling from the feels brought to you by, of course, jaehwan's immortal song perf via twitter dms lol i crie
> 
> (update: and she wrote a minhyun-centric spin-off/sequel to this also! check it out [ here! ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18669430))
> 
> also i dont really think jaehwan is this hasty and selfish, really. im just projecting and its just--
> 
> please knock some sense into my delulu head on [twitter](http://twitter.com/choimineul)


End file.
